That point of no return. That moment when you realize that you have had enough, what was before is no longer and you cannot turn back. Betrayal, distrust, hurt, anger, angst, whatever it is sometimes you have had your fill and you walk away. Most of the time when I find myself in this situation, it really means that I didn’t have what I thought I had in the first place. Misguided friendships, mistaken feelings in a relationship, whatever, I never had to the completeness what I thought I did or I wouldn’t be walking away. You see, for me, if I have something and I know it’s value and worth I won’t give up easily without a kicking and screaming fight. Sometimes my screams are silent. Sometimes my kicking is paralyzed. But for those who know me best, those are signs of great despair.
Sometimes giving becomes too much. Caring becomes too exhausting, especially when it is not reciprocated. To love and to nurture is excellent, but when one doesn’t love or nurture back it is devastating; especially when you want it. Giving. It can take so much out of you. It can rip holes in your character and turn you into a puppet on a string. Loving can wound you when people don’t love back. And nurturing sometimes is like parenting a loveless unappreciative child who will only talk about you to their friends at school, drag your name through the mud and someday move out and only call on holidays…if you’re lucky.
I wonder why it has to come to this. What provokes us, as humans, not to reciprocate love and care? Why for some of us, is it easy to show so much, give ourselves, and expect so little in return? I am unsure, but what little we do expect, when it isn’t returned, it shatters us.
I’m a strong girl. I have a strong will and can be as cold as ice, but not by nature. I nurture. I love. I care. Even for strangers. And I wonder why I have Little Red Ridinghood Syndrome. Why am I transfixed by the eyes of the Big Bad Wolf and why do I mistake those eyes for my own flesh and give in? We know how that story almost ends…the girl is almost devoured by the wolf. I refuse to be devoured. But I also refuse to be harsh and judgmental and not care at all. But perhaps it’s time to be a little more cautious about the path I take when I decide to take bread to grandmother’s house. Perhaps it’s time to be more cautious who I care about because there are people out there so willing to use and I’ve had enough. I can’t take being used physically, emotionally, or mentally any longer. Little Red Ridinghood happens to carry a concealed weapon. Watch out Big Bad Wolf.
