Have you ever sat in a bathtub full of water, with no intention to bathe, in the dark? It’s kind of spooky of you don’t care for the dark, but incredibly relaxing. Even more, it’s thought provoking. A lot is hidden when it’s dark. Why do we have sex with the lights off or dim the lights at dinner? We are trained to think that the darkness hides. But I personally think that we hide more when it’s light. Sure, the dimple on my left thigh is far more noticeable to a lover when the lights are on, but it’s far easier to disguise in the light.

The thought of being in this lull that I’m in has me overwhelmed. I’m in a constant state of panic. Beyond control. I wake up at 430 every morning with this yearning, this aching for something different. No judgment. No lies. No empty promises. No begging to be included. I yearn for a fresh start. I long to not be kicked down by lifes struggles.

I’m quite proud of a dear friend of mine who has come into his own. He works his ass off for it. He has accepted himself and truly is a champion of freedom and pushing beyond the struggle. He gives me hope.

As for myself, I am disappointed. I need to sit down and evaluate who I am and who I want to be. Who I have become is unacceptable. I have found myself on the other side of the looking glass, walking on egg shells meanwhile shattering the precious gems I once loved as cared deeply about. Too much work has gone into people and things that have no regard for me. No longer. My friend has inspired me to be a champion, a survivor, but most of all to be myself and beat the odds. Congratulations John on your new home. But most of all, congratulations on finding peace. I love you dear. Forever and for always.