October 10, 2011

It’s great to be needed but it’s really great to be wanted. The difficulty is deciphering which of the two best describe your current situation. On one hand, there’s someone who is going through a hell of a time (completely self inflicted, but nonetheless). They rely on you for certain things like Sunday morning rides to get breakfast and such. Then on the other hand, if they didn’t want you in their life they would just say so….right? I don’t know. I think the same selfish behavior that caused their trouble in the first place might ultimately be the excuse for their charade of need vs. want.

Here’s my issue: I’ve given the last 4 months to someone. And until they got themself into some trouble, it was a one way street. Hell, it’s still pretty one way. The words, the actions, all of it are self centered and frankly, energy consuming and anxiety producing on my part. I’ve strayed far beyond getting drunk and making out with a friend. And I’ve lied far beyond “oh just hanging out at so and so’s house.” But everytime, I go back and I do it all over again. He bought himself a watch with money he doesn’t have, yet complains about me not lifting my finger to grab the check for breakfast (breakfast mind you, that he woke me up and asked for a ride to). I was standing at the counter at Nordstrom today looking at beautiful jewelry. $100 tops. I wasn’t asking for him to buy it. Nor would I want him to spend the money. It would blow me away just if he offered. But I asked his opinion of what I tried on. He was busy placing bets on a football game and later remarked “what, you expect me to do ten things at once?” No, actually, I just wanted some of your attention beyond “let’s go have sex before you leave.” I just wanted him to say, “I like it,” “I hate it,” whatever! Just give me an opinion. I didn’t ask you to lay down your credit card for it, just tell me if it looks nice. But, impossible. He couldn’t even listen to why I was upset before breakfast. Instead I got a guilt speech and an attitude. Yet, when he tells me to go eff myself I’m supposed to just forgive him and move forward. Wrong, sir, wrong.

 Why do girls put themselves through men like that? I know why…because we want to be wanted AND needed. But rarely can we have both. I was blessed with a great father who spoiled my mom and showed me the traits I want in a man. A man. Not a boy. Not a delinquent. Not someone who makes a mistake and doesn’t intend on fixing it. A man. Someone who won’t care if they can’t smoke around their girlfriend because she’s having surgery in a month, or won’t care if she needs a hug or two, etc. I’m not asking for the world, or even a piece of jewelry, just give me some consideration.

I’m not one for words. If you get an “I love you” out of me you are privileged. I’m an Aquarius and I’m stoic.  I’m hard to read and sometimes hard to get along with. I leave people’s lives abruptly, often returning soon after, just leaving their life for a brief moment to see if they miss me or not. Yeah, complicated. But most of the time, I really just want someone that I take care of to have a little consideration for me. Ask me how I’m doing, don’t just call me because you need something. It gets old…caring so much for someone else and not getting an ounce of that care back gets really old. 

  1. littlemisssugarpie posted this